LETTER TO LARA -
A
FICTIONAL STORY BASED ON EVENTS & A FAMILY CHINESE WHISPER!CHAPTER THREE
From the little you have already read pre my letter to my neice, Lara, much will unfold as to how we came to this sad and completely unnecessary situation.
DEAR DARLING LARA ~ WHAT WILL MATTER IN THE END?
May 2009
Dear Darling Lara,
It pains me to know that we now have this huge chasm between us.
And all for what?
In years to come no one will really exactly remember how or even why this came about or just how we got here.
I have nothing to lose as it looks like you are already lost to this side of the family. I can only accept that this is what you want.
I do not like assumptions, but dialogue does not appear to be open at this time in order to discuss this. Assume I must. I will leave an open mind though, but until I hear from you directly I will always hold out hope for a loving inclusive future for the entire family some day. Till such time, I will focus on the family still here with sorrow and heavy heart to create a life without you in it.
So, before the years fly by, I think it might be prudent to record the history of this southern city on this vast continent of ours the dynamics that took place before they become dulled with time. You were far too young to know or understand and at times sheltered from and too distant to ever experience, being you and your Mum, my big sis Saule lived so far away in another state up north.
Maybe, more likely to be never, but if you ever do get to read this, then you will better understand your Gigi's (Zinaida's) wishes, as she saw and wanted those wishes done. She had one last lessen to teach and it was important for her to do just that. She wanted to teach 'this one' about empathy, humility, kindness, understanding, sharing, respect, entitlement, expectation among a few, but most of all selfless love and in particular to finally for once respect her Mother.
This was Zinaida’s last attempt to get through to Velna to realise that her years of ongoing and consistent pot shots and passive aggressive behaviour was hers to own and her sole responsible for what she did throughout those decades and that it does come at a price and end up to come back and haunt you.
I personally believe that lessen has not been learnt.
What one receives is never about birth right. This was always about Zinaida's or your Gigi's wishes and dispersal of her worldly goods as she deemed. Otherwise, why would she have bothered to make a Will as iron clad as she could. She wanted to ensure her wishes were kept.
Zinaida counselled me over and over the few months before she passed away as to what Velna would do.
She anticipated her every move, action, word and deed.
She was scarily accurate.
There was only one area she had not counted on and that was Saule becoming so gravely ill shortly after her death and passing away just 10 short months later. She was aware of Saule’s not coping with the fact that she was dying and was taking it out on me. But felt that Saule and I would find our way back eventually as did I.
Never in a million years could she have anticipated this.
However, she did take similar scenarios into consideration when she went to redo her Will after Velna’s last hideous attack on her that last Mother’s Day when Velna knew she was dying. More of that later.
Just like Saule, you also fell into the blame game and blamed me and then continued to blame me after GiGi died. For what I do not know. Why, I do not know. But blame me you did and appears continue to do so. Otherwise, why is it that when you visit this city we do not know and do not get included. Actions speak louder and I am getting the message loud and clear. In this matter you cannot say that you have not taken sides. Sides have been taken. With defining lines drawn across the family to create this great divide.
Thankfully, when I was alone with Saule just days before she passed away, she told me how sorry she was for what she had done and owned the part she played in this sorry saga of alienating me from the family and most of all you, her daughter.
She asked for forgiveness of which there was no need.
Forgiveness was always a given.
I loved my big sis and this had been our first falling out in all our lives. I knew we would get through this even with Velna's attempts at keeping us apart and help this divide to be ongoing by her interference and lies.
Mum's and my gut instincts were right and we were back to being whole once more. As hard as Velna tried to stop us from coming together, that lifelong bond we held was just too strong for Velna to stop.
She asked for forgiveness of which there was no need.
Forgiveness was always a given.
I loved my big sis and this had been our first falling out in all our lives. I knew we would get through this even with Velna's attempts at keeping us apart and help this divide to be ongoing by her interference and lies.
Mum's and my gut instincts were right and we were back to being whole once more. As hard as Velna tried to stop us from coming together, that lifelong bond we held was just too strong for Velna to stop.
All that came before this is still to be laid out for you to learn. You said to me not long before I started writing this via an email in what was to be our last conversation since your Mum died and this did shock me and that was that you are not interested in knowing. But, it is part of the tapestry of how we got here.
Nothing can be fixed by not knowing.
You may think that by not knowing that it is the easier option, in fact, the reverse is so.
It only serves to make it harder.
In law there is a saying, 'Ignorance is no excuse'.
The same applies to difficult situations such as this.
Knowledge of facts and the truth shall set you free.
Only by being equipped with all the facts and knowledge at hand can you then find peace and also healing. This does not mean we will know each other after said dialogue, but it would allow for healing to take place. It would also allow you to at least make decisions with all the facts and truths present and accounted for to come to a more accurate decision. Right now you have only made decisions based on part of the picture only and not the whole picture as it stands, even now.
Would you only half cook a chook? Of course not. So why chose to half do this?
A picture paints a thousand words they say and with this story you only have less than 50 percent of that picture, which does adversely affect the outcome of any decisions that have been made.
Generally called assumptions.
Generally called assumptions.
I have to point out something that you may not be aware of and that is nearly all that was in the Will was suggested by your Mum, Saule, herself time and time again over many years. She even told her Mum, that Zanda should have the house outright due to the years that I solely looked after her 24/7 while looking after 2 children as a single parent, one with constant ongoing medical issues as well as her own and taking time of any work she had to do said caring.
Even I knew Saule didn't mean that one and refused Mum to do that and ensured that she included the three of us, which in the end she did, but her way. When Saule reacted the way she did I was utterly amazed and taken back as it was all her ideas. As I tell the events and hopefully in as much as possible correlate in some sort of time sequence this will all make sense in the end or at least I hope it will.
On top of all this, I had to stay silent for such a long time to protect Mum's, your GiGi's wishes.
It is time now for you to know the past, all of it, in order to know the fundamentals of what was going on and was forever bubbling under the surface for many decades that played a huge part in GiGi's final decisions.
Dredging up the past should be the last thing to take place and stay in the past, but what Velna has done has left me with no other choice, but to reveal this sorry saga. I do forgive her for making this mess as she played an instrumental and central part in fracturing this family to kingdom come. I will never forget though.
Are you happy that this one branch of the family has been alienated? At times, I am sure we do not enter your thoughts. But, I am sure we would from time to time. I was in your life for a long long time Lara, more than Velna and yet here I am pushed out into the cold wilderness from your heart. Just where Velna wants me to be.
I won’t push, but this was not your Mum's wish. She desperately wanted peace with us and for me to be in your life. She said you need me and said as much days before she passed away and to you yourself as you have acknowledged but chose otherwise. I accept your right to do so. I have to and have accepted that you have closed your heart to me in order to protect yourself from what I can guess may be further heartache.
I do believe that this is what it all may be about. Further loss of loved ones. Losing your Mum has broken your spirit and has not yet been mended.
I am familiar with this same grief.
But it doesn't have to mean life stops.
Zinaida suffered much loss in her very young years and yet still held her family together. Our experiences shape us and in some instances break us. How we deal with it is up to each of us individually as which road we chose to take. Me, I would rather inclusive than exclusive.
There are no winners here.
Only losses.
And very sad ones.
Unnecessarily so.
Even though it may be futile now, I will still relay in some sort of order the chain of events for you to gain the importance of all this was to my Mum and as to how Velna affected your GiGi, your Mum's Mum, Zinaida, when she was facing the end of her days and all that Velna continued to throw at her. I do not remember it all and have even been reminded of certain events by so many of Zinaida's girlfriends, some who are now long gone with only a handful left. I won’t add or embellish and if I do, I will say that it was in my opinion only, so as not to do what I am so very hard trying to stop having done to me in the first place.
As a side note, but just as important for you to know, GiGi was very angry with Vezna, your Mum's friend who started out at first as her Psychologist. As far as GiGi was concerned, Vezna crossed her professional boundaries when she actively chose to become Saule's friend and to then keep counselling her to the point of suggesting Saule had ADD, which got Zinaida mad as and her blood boiling.
GiGi said Saule absolutely did not have ADD.
Reason being, Saule throughout her childhood was always a very happy, free spirited and well-adjusted child. If anything Velna may well have been the one with ADD due to her depressive disposition for most of her entire life. But, no, she also was not.
GiGi wanted to throttle Vezna for getting her beautiful Saule all screwed up on drugs that she should never have been on in the first place that only served to make Saule worse. The purpose of imparting this to you is for medical reasons. Misdiagnosis and over zealot charlatans can impact very negatively on future generations and is very important for you to know that I would question Vezna's abilities, especially medically speaking, in every way. And also her need to insert herself in Saule's life in such a way.
I remember sitting with our Mum with Saule and Vezna about 2 years prior to Zinaida passing, with Zinaida wanting to jump over the table to hit this Vezna. I just kept gently kicking her with my foot under the table and giving Mum looks of 'no you don't' to stop Mum from murdering her. Zinaida had no patience for this woman who as far as she was concerned, screwed up her beautiful daughter, Saule.
Mum always said Vezna should be struck off and never ever approved of Vesna. She tried over the years to counsel Saule about her, but such was Vezna's control and force that it fell on deaf ears for some years. It was only later on that Saule realised the extent of the toxic nature of her friendship and how controlling she actually was. A master manipulator.
Saule discussed Vezna with me from the time she first met her at that first appointment till she passed away. Not all was niceness and sunshine.
If anything Saule got worse with Vezna's medical advice and never better. I only began to notice Vezna's controlling ways when finally Saule told me herself as to how she felt she was being suffocated by this one way friendship. Vezna has a lot to answer for and played a huge part in hindering Saule from having that wonderful life she so deserved. Just wanted to say this so that there can be no mistake as to how Zinaida felt and what your Mum told me directly. This way all opinions, including your Mum's and Zinaida's are out there for you to be aware of.
As for me I had no thoughts about her other than she was my big sis's friend. But Mum was dead set against her.
From since I could remember, Saule was my protector, especially where Velna was concerned. Even when we had that falling out and she was gravely ill, still she looked out for me in some small measure. None of you knew this, but she did. We still occasionally spoke by phone. Yes, she was bagging me to one and all, but this was really spurred on by Velna's manipulations and in the end fell apart once Saule came to realise she had been used for Velna's personal ends.
Through my teenage years Saule would always take me with her where ever she went. We had such fun. Talk about laugh. We would talk about so many things, about the world and all our interests that we shared and those that we held individually. We did so much together. Whereas, I had no such times with Velna. Nothing or more to the point, multiple snide comments thrown at me on a daily basis.
As for Saule and Velna's connection, well, that took a turn for the worse once they hit their teen years. All to do with what Velna chose to be and do.
So, recapping, Velna had ill feelings at best and resentment towards me since birth, then in her later teen years she caused a rift with her older sister and then as she was entering her youthful adult years she bore a grudge, bitterness and resentment towards her very own Mother. Bingo, or more like it, a trifecta.
I know Velna loved Saule in her own way, even though she didn't treat her very well. It was a strange love she had for Saule, but that was Velna's way. It was tied in with jealousies and this competitiveness to out do Saule in how they looked, dressed and then boyfriends. In later years she even copied her hair styles. Saule noticed over the years that when she changed her hairstyle and after her annual visits that Velna's hairstyle would then be like hers. It happened all the time.
As for her Mother and myself, well, Velna lumped us in together in the end and we ended up emotionally supporting each other as we both knew how this treatment from Velna felt like.
Regardless of all this, Zinaida loved all her girls very much. I never did understand why Velna would always go out of her way to hurt Mum the way that she did. I would watch helplessly on as Zinaida wept from all the years of taunts and rejections. The last taunt was what pushed her into taking action, which was done by Velna and her husband, Cain, knowing Zinaida was dying at the time on what was to be her last Mother’s Day.
Enough was truly enough.
There were times when things appeared to be smooth sailing and then wham, out of the blue, Velna would do a number to put her Mum back in whatever place Velna thought she had put her in.
Mum would say, ‘I am being told. I am being taught a lesson. Behave or else this is what will happen to you’.
Meaning she would be ignored for weeks and months on end completely. Velna does icing out very well as she is very practised at doing that.
In the end, I too got used to this special treatment from Velna towards me.
I remember this all out screaming match we had over the phone, which lasted for a few hours and when I realised what affect I had on her, and said in the end that I would no longer take her crap and just treat her the same way she treated me with the same disinterest, just minus the contempt that she bestowed upon me for years now and just lost her cool.
Velna has promptly and conveniently long forgotten this comment, but ironically, she then started to complain as to how I would treat her. I had to laugh. She could dish it out, but couldn't take it. I knew she would do this as she always played the perpetual victim in order to get her own way.
Now, back to when things started to go pear shaped with your Mum, Saule and Velna. This was starting to take shape in the later part of high school years. Saule kept on with her studies with the view to follow onto tertiary studies to become a teacher, whereas Velna went onto secretarial college for one year after Year 10 and then promptly into the workforce.
It was Saule's last year in high school that she met and started dating Cain. How they met, that I do not remember, but would dare say via Jill, Cain's younger sister and friend to Velna. As far as my memory serves he just appeared and stayed.
They dated for a while and I do not remember for how long, but a few short weeks before her end of year exams were to start, which at that time counted entirely upon entry to her choices for further studies. It was at this precise moment that Cain chose to end the dating instead of waiting a few weeks till after her exams to do so. Even though Saule was losing interest due to his ways this still put her into a complete tailspin of emotions and could barely focus let alone study for these important exams.
This was done as far as I could see to do as much damage and full impact as possible to affect her exam results by Cain.
Due to how this did adversely affected Saule, Mum promptly marched around to Cain's home where he still lived with his parents and read him the riot act. He had long finished high school and was now working a full time job and Mum unceremoniously hauled him over with, 'If she fails, I will hold you responsible', to which, Cain forever after held a grudge towards Zinaida.
Due to how this did adversely affected Saule, Mum promptly marched around to Cain's home where he still lived with his parents and read him the riot act. He had long finished high school and was now working a full time job and Mum unceremoniously hauled him over with, 'If she fails, I will hold you responsible', to which, Cain forever after held a grudge towards Zinaida.
I mean to say, we all have moments and then we either mature and grow up or as is the case some choose to stay stuck in their teen years along with their grudges.
To choose to hold onto a grudge for a lifetime to me is just mental.
To choose to hold onto a grudge for a lifetime to me is just mental.
You would think it ended there. But no.
Other forces were brewing.
Other forces were brewing.
None of us knew that Velna had eyes for Cain and being friends with his younger sister, Jill, meant she had constant contact with Cain. Opportunity and intent on Velna's part.
The chase was on with no second thought as to how this may affect Saule. Why would it? For me this was poor taste, but Velna was hell bent on winning Cain over. I always thought deep down to have something that Saule lost. Just a thought from a sister competitive side of things.
It was after this breakup that Velna went after Cain.
However it happened, happen it did and they started dated.
From my very young viewpoint I could not understand my sister Velna's judgement and still even makes me wonder all these years on. I mean, was it worth it? Had Velna always wanted desperately to one upmanship Saule for having been in her shadow all those years. Not sure. But looked mighty suspicious to me. Too high a price was paid as it affected the family dynamics dramatically from there on in permanently.
This union made Velna even more negative than before. She was blissfully happy with Cain and fast becoming even more disdainful towards her Mum.
During this round of dating Cain made it clear in actions how it was going to be. Talk about passive aggressive.
Why on earth did he bother?
I still don’t understand this one. He was making it clear that Zinaida would play no part in their lives and there are many examples to show that to be the case to come.
During this round of dating Cain made it clear in actions how it was going to be. Talk about passive aggressive.
Why on earth did he bother?
I still don’t understand this one. He was making it clear that Zinaida would play no part in their lives and there are many examples to show that to be the case to come.
Even though Saule could not care less by then, she did clear out from home the minute she could, as she could not stand the sight of Cain. She wanted nothing to do with him and the fact that she would now see him on a regular basis on the heels of their split was more than she could bare.
I mean, again, why did he bother?
I have continued to question why he dated the other sister and why would you when you despised the Mother so much go and then date and marry the other!
I have continued to question why he dated the other sister and why would you when you despised the Mother so much go and then date and marry the other!
Never did make sense to me. Just proves that love knows no bounds and in this case boundaries.
To be honest, I was in shock that this happened. That's how revolting he was to us all by then.
To be honest, I was in shock that this happened. That's how revolting he was to us all by then.
During this dating period things were rather tense to say the least knowing what Mum had said to Cain and the fact that Saule just scraped through her exams and only got into one of her lower preferences by the skin of her teeth due to her marks. She would have done better and had better choices of this I am sure. Cain felt no guilt whatsoever and even acted in an arrogant way when anywhere near Velna's family to just stick the boot in further.
Saule had many ‘nick names’ for Cain over the years, none of them complimentary and will leave those to be forgotten. But they were very witty and humour got her through what really was a sister's betrayal by Velna.
If Saule had known that Velna was interested in Cain, maybe she would never have dated him in the first place. We will never know.
How differently things may have turned out had Velna made known her feelings. May be then Cain would have been less of a sod to us all.
Even so, I am sure he still would have been who he was, grudge or no grudge. Like I said he had some ways that were extremely unlikeable.
If only Velna had hooked up with a different guy who was not so full of vengeance, her path with her family could have been vastly different to where it so obviously went.
As time went on it did came to pass that Velna was to marry her older sister’s ex-boyfriend, Cain and my parents who did not have much and worked very hard as factory workers still ended up paying for their wedding.
Something, I feel Velna and Cain never fully appreciated the sacrifice they made in order to give them the wedding they wanted. Cain's parents from what my parents told me paid for some of the bar tab on the night, but that was it. My parents had to take out a further loan on their home in order to pay for this wedding. It took them years to pay off.
The way Velna and Cain treated Zinaida and Ludis, before, during and thereafter, to me, showed me how disrespectful and ungrateful they were. It was obvious that they never took into account the personal sacrifice they made for them to help them with their start to married life. It just never factored into the equation.
Remembering all that Zinaida had been through from the war years on and now this from one of her beloved children. Made me weep.
Truly heartbreaking when one realises that this campaign of Velna's now had Cain added to it and continued on into the years till the day Zinaida passed away on all fronts.
This is what sat heavy in Zinaida’s heart in those months before she died. In her heart she felt she had failed to guide Velna to be caring and compassionate, but accepted that was no longer her part, but Velna’s choice.
As I would say to her, ‘Two out of three ain’t bad’.
I knew Lili was in there, but this was about the living children as far as the numbers were concerned and I would always try to make her smile to cut through the years of hurt she had suffered from Velna. Just to lessen that pain.
I also knew in some weird way Velna loved her Mum, but in a dutiful ‘I have to’ way, and yet had no compunction about smiting her either. Velna never looked comfortable in her own skin and just either couldn’t or wouldn't show love to her Mum.
Saule and I would regularly say ‘I love you’ to each other and our parents. I don’t recall Velna doing the same. Such a shame. Such a lost moment now.
Velna asked her friend, Cain's little sister, Jill to be her Bride of Honour and surprise, surprise, surprise, she had no one else to ask as Cain wanted two Groomsmen and again surprise, surprise, surprise, I ended up as the second Bridesmaid.
I mean, she doesn't even like me and here I am her Bridesmaid. At the time I was not aware though. But I was not made to feel welcome that was for sure.
Wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why she had to have me as her second Bridesmaid.
I mean, Saule sure as hell was not going to stand at any alter with that guy, including the sister who had sort of done her wrong and threw it in her face. Sister or no sister.
I suppose feeling like second fiddle for all those years to her older sister did that to Velna. She just had to out-do her and this was how she did that.
As for me, I was too young to say no and was made to be her Bridesmaid. Velna had no other girlfriends to ask and therefore, I was it.
Velna, I am sure, not once would have felt her actions were out of line. If anything she looked like the cat who caught the mouse when she would look at Saule, like 'I won, you didn't'. It was all rather hideous for me to watch on and then to be made a party to it all by being her bridesmaid was just depressing. Plus, on top of that, Cain had always given me the creeps since I was little. Not ideal.
I do not remember this being an overly happy day or occasion. They got married and settled into their life, which was rather uneventful apart from Cain always being rather nasty to my Mum when no one was looking. Velna also took pot shots as well. Being the younger one and at home still you do notice these things. Younger siblings tend to do that.
Cain from the outset was just one unfriendly sucker. He would call us all sorts of names out of ear shot of others and then act all friendly when they were all nearby. He would say he was 'just joking' or 'it is just a joke'. I knew it was no joke and that is why I detest that kind of put down humour from there on in from any one who does it.
He gave me the chills as he came across as a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde type from the very start when I was but a child. He just made me feel uncomfortable. And he was always unfriendly. On top of all this he was also very controlling from those early years over Velna. For example, what she could wear, what she was allowed to buy and all the expectations of being a dutiful wife. It just pained me to watch on. But Velna would defend him staunchly and dig her heels in further. Since then a movie came out that personified those years and I now call them the Stepford years.
In time, Velna became more and more isolated from us more than before and went deeper into her bitterness and resentment. In actual fact she had found her perfect match. They both had the same personality and nature. Negative as all get out and with a big chip on their shoulders and then some. I could see they brought out the worst in each other and the layers of bitterness and resentment just kept on building within Velna especially.
How nice it would have been had she fallen for some one more positive.
But the dye was cast.
I got to know many of Saule's boyfriends during those years as she would take me with her more often than not.
It was on a New Year's Eve at a Ball held at the Exhibition Building that Saule met your Dad, Didzis. Saule went to this Ball with a then boyfriend, Piers and I was with them. Being only 16 I was only allowed to go being that I was with my big sis, which I loved doing any way. Both Saule and Piers made me feel very much part of their social occasions when I went out with them. Saule would always socialise and it was on this night that, Saule and Didzis met.
I will never forget her going between the two of them all night long. Piers understood she was such a free spirit that he did not mind at all and Didzis was mesmerised and captivated from the start.
They literally fell in love the moment they met.
I will never forget her going between the two of them all night long. Piers understood she was such a free spirit that he did not mind at all and Didzis was mesmerised and captivated from the start.
They literally fell in love the moment they met.
In the end Saule, within under a year of meeting Didzis got married and only a few months after Velna and Cain and promtly moved far north.
Saule left to start a new life in this new city far far away from her family and I believe as far away from Velna and Cain as she could get. She loathed Cain and the fact that she would now have to see him on a regular basis as well as being an in-law was more than she could bare and being far away was rather enticing. The fact that her sister and husband would not be a part of this new married life of hers on a daily basis was very much a part of her wanting to move away to get as far away from them as possible. And I believe played a huge part in her doing so.
As a side note, it was through-out these years while Saule lived so far away that I was the go-between for her to see secretly, once a year, be it here when she visited home for her and Piers to meet. Their friendship was special and not one understood by many. I was happy to help Saule in this way as I understood that Piers was from a pure love. This happened till she passed away. I have no contact with Piers any longer, but do think of him from time to time. I miss our chats as he was such a sweet man and I know he would have a special place in his heart for your Mum.
I tell you this now so you understand the many things that Saule shared with me that was truly such a deep sisterly love. Just in case you doubted it.
Saule did not have many secrets and wont share any others I know of, but Piers was one of a kind and Saule was very loved.
Saule did not have many secrets and wont share any others I know of, but Piers was one of a kind and Saule was very loved.
When it came to Velna and Saule, Velna was always jealous of Saule's ability to just shine in any situation with her carefree happy nature. Velna instead was full of insecurities that overshadowed her own many wonderful attributes. In time with her unhappy disposition all the positives sadly began to pale.
These two sisters could not have been more different.
Total opposites.
I do believe that Velna found it hard to find her way through her younger years with such a vivacious sister overshadowing her so close in age that ultimately affected how she felt about Saule. How could it not. You either went with it or you didn't. Velna held things in. Had she not, may be none of what happened may not have happened. But it did.
One area where I feel things went wrong was when we moved from one side of Australia to the other when I was just a baby.
The two older sisters should have been put into their respectful educational years for their ages. Being that children did not start school till they were 6 where we were born and they commenced at 5 to where we moved, for some reason the two were put into the same year level. That should never have happened and this act forever influenced their future.
This may not have stopped Velna's insecurities any way, but would have given Velna her own space separate to her older sister, as Saule did overshadow her in so many ways.
As for me, I was much younger and basically did not get affected by Saule's effervescent outwardly nature and instead looked up to her. I never felt invisible when I was with Saule, but I did with Velna as I knew deep down I did not matter to her.
Years later, when Velna was just starting out and making her own way into the world with her first job and was saving for a trip to New Zealand, even though she was 17 or 18 at the time, Mum and Dad opposed her from going and being a dutiful daughter never went. Again, from looking on I saw the resentment come over Velna like a tsunami. This is only my perception as I was just entering my own teen years, but this is where I first noticed Velna treating Mum, Zinaida with open and outward contempt and in a very perfunctory way.
Something died in Velna when that happened and I believe she held onto that grudge from there on that kept bubbling under the surface that influenced how she treated her Mum forever after.
Something died in Velna when that happened and I believe she held onto that grudge from there on that kept bubbling under the surface that influenced how she treated her Mum forever after.
All they were doing was doing what they thought best. I remember being denied so many events, concerts, parties, outings, going away to places that it just wasn’t funny. But I never held a lifetime grudge over that either. Saule had the same experiences as well. You grow up and move on. Velna appears to never have been able to do that.
Last thing on the subject of this particular New Zealand holiday, I truly wished at the time she had gone instead of being dutiful to then become this passive aggressive person for the rest of her life.
We have learnt over the years that when Velna gets something in her mind, whether it is right, wrong or indifferent she holds on tight for dear life on to that thought or feeling forever and will never sway from her original stance. This type of stubbornness does cause a lot of harm and damage. Not only to those it is being done to, but, sadly unbeknownst to the one, themselves also.
Not long after, Saule graduated from college and we were all overjoyed for her achievement and went into teaching as a profession and promptly moved out from home to find her wings once she started working.
Her first place was a bedsit come dorm type place in town for women only. I loved going there. It felt so bohemian. The people were arty farty and all types of characters lived there. Saule moved back home after her decision to marry and then moved interstate once she got married to Didzis. At that time, I was so happy to have her back home as being with my parents on my own was proving to be a difficult transition for me.
On the flip side when Velna was preparing to marry she stayed at home in what could be termed loosely as begrudgingly so and only left after she married. They rented a unit not far from us in the outer burbs. I would visit, but always felt unwelcome.
Even remembering this, I still preferred it when both my sisters lived at home. Yes, even Velna. I found I could fly under the radar more easily when they were there. When they both left, pretty much at the same time, the focus then was fully on me overnight. Oh, what fun.
These events are not quite in sequence, but give an idea as to how this families sorry saga was taking shape.
I was also Bride of Honour for Saule. She had plenty of girlfriends from her hometown to ask, but being that the wedding was to take place interstate, she only chose one. Me. Velna just was not considered due to what had taken place with Cain.
With this wedding, I remember much laughter, much love, much togetherness, all our parents beaming, much happiness involved and these memories are etched. In vast contrast to Velna’s wedding just 4 months earlier.
With this wedding, I remember much laughter, much love, much togetherness, all our parents beaming, much happiness involved and these memories are etched. In vast contrast to Velna’s wedding just 4 months earlier.
So it was so.
As for me, I was still at school and now left at home alone with my parents as the lone child. As I said before I missed my sisters, but I missed Saule the most. I remember that feeling of loss all too well. Sadly, I got to lose her twice over.
At this stage, I still had not realised that Velna just didn't like me. I must have known deep down, but just had not understood.
Well, Lara, you would think that that is where things would improve.
Instead the reverse happened.
Relationships just steadily got worse as time went by due in part to Cain's hostile and passive aggressive treatment of his now Mother-in-law. Velna found a partner all right, a partner in crime as to her very own hostile and passive aggressive treatment of her own Mother. This made for a lethal combination.
As for marrying Velna, had the thought never occurred to him that this was forever. Was his grudge towards Zinaida from those few short years before become more important than making a harmonious life with his new found ethnic in-laws. By the way Cain was as Aussie as could be, but of the very old fashioned type. Even though we were white European, we were still ethnic through and through and was used against us whenever he could. No one saw this. No one heard this. But happen it did. He did it as he knew that would hurt Zinaida knowing full well how much her heritage meant to her. To him it was just a weapon to use. Sure was a mean one.
Again, what was he thinking when he married Velna.
Surely, he must have thought that one through!
Or was it just a plot for revenge and then ditch Velna later on.
Who knows, as before long their first son came along. May be Cain just liked this wicked sport as he did possess a very sick sense of humour. A humour that revolted both Saule and myself. This was one of the areas that Saule originally found out about when she dated him and one of the many reasons she lost interest at that time.
When I first encountered Cain as a young child just about to enter my teens as I said before, he always gave me the heebie jeebies and made me feel sick inside with his sexist sexual inuendo's. Very inappropriate even back then. Cain always gave me the creeps and as I got older the sicker his supposed humour became. Saule and I would always have a go at him when he crossed that line and this was at every family function. I do believe he did this on purpose to ruin a perfectly lovely occasion that served his vendetta towards Zinaida.
Life is fleeting and so are our moments together.
I have a few favourite quotes that I feel fits the end of this chapter and chapters to come that is very apt to our circumstances and that is:
“You cannot step into the river twice in the flow of time. An opportunity lost is lost forever.”
By Hericlitis
Will leave our story here with the two just embarking on their married lives, with their respective husbands, in their respective states for now.
Zinaida tried her best to make Cain welcome, but Cain would have none of it, which I realised as years rolled by suited Velna completely.
All this affected each of us in similar yet different ways.
The passage of time will show us all what will matter in the end. Let's not waste any more than we have already. If only.
End Chapter Three - Dear Darling Lara ~ What will matter in the end?
Zinaida - Central character
Ina - Mother to Zinaida
Ansis - Zinaida's first husband
Ludis - Zinaida's second husband
Lili - First daughter (First marriage)
Saule - Second daughter (First marriage)
Velna - Third daughter (First marriage)
Zanda - Fourth daughter (Second marriage)
Cain - Boyfriend to both Saule & Velna then Velna's husband
Jill - Cain's younger sister and Velna's friend
Piers - Saule's lifelong friend
Didzis - Saule's husband
Vezna - Saule's psychologist then friend
