Chapter One
Ever wondered where those family stories come from! Well, in my case, it all started from a family Chinese whisper.
A FICTIONAL STORY BASED ON EVENTS & A FAMILY CHINESE WHISPER!
There is always one in every family isn't there?
Yes, starting out with a statement come question. Bold you may think. But this journey has had many twists and turns, which has now ended up with me having the need to write my "Letter to Lara".
Sadly, this letter will never be posted.
It will never reach the intended person to whom it is meant. Instead it will just lay dormant till the end of time. Sad as it is that the ignorance about 'why' and 'what was' will continue through time and also through the thread of future generations to come.
For those who follow their ancestry, they will have found out for themselves that certain family stories or beliefs has meant through time these stories have changed due in part to a 'family chinese whisper' and what one thought was to be true, actually is not always the case. And in some cases ever so conveniently has been changed along the way, accidentally or on purpose, as the case may be, at times by various or just one mischievous family members along the way.
So it is so, as far as this particular family story goes.
Even though I will be telling this particular fictional story based on real life events, I have given names to all to protect the identities, whether they are still here or not. The events are told from memories of many others, including my own, without adding anything other than what took place. Some times the actual real life events can be more far fetched any way, so there is no need to fabricate it any further. But certain places and time lines may well be left aside in order to tell this tale.
When it comes to family history and what we believe to be does beggar the question, "Is it fact or fiction or somewhere in between?" Hard to know when 1, 2 or 3 generations stand between you and truly knowing. Somewhere along the line, a future family member will question what did happen and why a split occurred, especially when there are generations in between are involved.
Time does that.
Death of those who experienced certain events while still here with us and know first hand means when they are no longer with us, that knowledge is then lost and in time overlooked or conveniently forgotten by those who need to hide the truth or event to end up altering the story to suit their purpose in order to live a falsehood knowing no one is around to dispute this 'new' truth or story otherwise in order to avoid judgement of their own behaviours, which can be the case.
Trouble is, unless the story is out there as is, future generations will only be told the twisted fabricated 'new' truth and in turn the 'new truth or lie' continues then becomes a story, a belief, a family fact when it is not.
If only history could be recorded honestly for those future generations to come to really know what took place without these at times distortions.
Sometimes, this new truth is done out of coping or fear. Other times, malice is the intent. No matter the reason, there are many reasons why history is altered to suit the needs of those left behind, be it to either protect them or others or even do harm. Either way, it is very sad when an altered truth takes the place of the actual truth permanently and in time becomes an accepted 'fact'.
This particular story is about one who altered their family story.
This 'one' was born into a loving and caring family and even though grew up being loved and surrounded by many extended family with that love, then chose a path to become bitter and filled with discontent and many jealousies of others, mainly directed at her Mother and one sibling in particular.
There is always one.
The behaviours and reasons may vary from family to family, but the havoc they can do in the end is just as harmful.
As this one grew older so did her passive aggressive behaviour as stated before in particular towards her Mother. Why? No one really knows. As for me, I could take an educated guess(by personal experience from growing up with said person and watching on). Reason being she ended up treating me in the same favoured passive aggressive behaviour that was at first only exclusively for her Mother. I could only put it down to being born and in so doing taking the spot of being the youngest and placing her right smack dab in the 'middle'. This is only a guess and will never know for sure. But am I bad for daring to be born. My fault quite obviously.
The mischief this one created was so much so that it has led this particular family down a very sad path indeed and has torn it asunder from which I now see no possible return.
Many do not know of the years that led to this point and more than likely never will and nor do they seem interested enough to want to know.
It is this journey that will be revealed with each chapter. Like building blocks, the story will come to life and at last be given breathe once more to see the light of day and be released back into the atmos for the universe to take care of.
The universal forces will then decide whether it will remain hidden under a cloak of half truths or be revealed one day in years to come as it truly is.
Will there be future peace? Either way, time will tell.
Where does one start.
When one suffers enormous pain and heartache over a sustained period of time, it does change you. Many did change world wide due to having lived through WWI and then again WWII.
My family were no different who are from one part of Europe.
My Mother used to say, 'We all suffered. All lost some one or many and homes and items of great value and even their homeland to then find yourself living on the other side of the world. At the end of the day we were thankful to be alive. Stop complaining and get on with life. Time and the living stop for no one. Best just pick yourself up and get on with the business of living your life with all the difficulties that will come your way. As if you don't, it will pass you by and before you know it you will find yourself at the end of your days living only with regrets'.
She just never got why many at the end of the last century let depression and dreadful life events stop them in their tracks and become perpetual victims. She would say 'lord knows we all could have stopped as well, but what would have that achieved and who would have done the work for all to get fed?'. As she saw it the whole world suffered during WWII and if 'every one' stopped to be depressed, which by the way was the entire populace of the world, the whole world would have stopped and nothing would have gotten done according to her logic. She was pragmatic as anything and you had to be back then. This is not to say she and all others did not find it difficult, proof showed that many turned to alcohol and such like, but 'go on' regardless they certainly did, depressed and all, no matter the crutch they used to get on through with.
This is my Mother's story from post war years only. Time enough to tell her pre war tale another time, which has been documented via audio.
I will refer to my Mother as 'Zinaida' and go from there.
This tale is about hope, love, sadness and an ultimate betrayal from one who supposedly meant to love you.
Regardless of our upbringing or genetics, we are what we are and chose to be. Nature or nuture is only a part of the equation. There were three of us who were raised in the same household and received, relatively speaking, the same love and attention. I would say to my Mother, 'two out of three ain't bad' as one would always actively hurt and alienate her for most of her lifetime till she passed away.
Here is my Mother's story compiled together over a period of time by her now deceased friends and family with some still with us at this time.
Zinaida and her Mother, Ina, left their homeland with basically nothing being separated from the larger part of their extended family due to the onset of WWII. Reason being their homeland was going to be a major battlefield and unsafe was an understatement. They left by sea and were one of the few to survive the bombings to sink all vessels during one of the many crossings.
Through those years of trudging through many of the European countries they survived many bombings and most horrid of situations. In the end it was the lack of food that was the worst enemy of all and took its toll on many, including Zinaida. They were forever trying to stay ahead of the front of any battles that were ongoing around them. Staying at villages from time to time when a safe haven came along, even if it was for a short while. They even survived the obliteration of Berlin as they had just arrived days earlier, to end up in one of the many 'Displaced Person's Camps'.
This period of time during those war years will be documented, but that is for later from those audio tapes as this is about that 'one' that ruins Zinaida's quest for a better life and loving family in the end, and whether this one realises it or not, also ruined a family for one and all, not just Zinaida.
After all the suffering and horrors Zinaida went through and endured, how ironic that it was one of her offspring that dealt her the worst blow of all.
Due to many of the western countries only willing to take certain displaced people in, they set the criteria that both Zinaida and Ina never quite matched.
In the end, only two countries presented as a possible safe haven.
Argentina or Australia.
Australia ended up the winner for these two wonderful hard working women.
One in her mid 40's, the other just 16 and on her way to turning 17.
Even though my Mother's teen years were spent growing up in sheer hardship and war years, it shaped her to be a woman of metal and tenacity that she became and under that lay her very core for her love of family and loyalty to the hilt.
Like so many like her, she had to grow up fast.
What she saw never left her. This story is similar to so many others. It is like they all knew and said nothing as why tell such dreadful events and happenings.
Zinaida arrived in new land after surviving WWII and then finding love aboard the transport ship to a new and promised land of hope, strange animals and landscape.
It was on this journey to what was to be their new homeland that Zinaida met the young and very dashing Ansis. They fell madly in love and knew that on arrival they would be separated to fulfil their 2 year agreement with the Australian Government to earn the right to live in this new foreign land that they were about to start calling their home. A far cry from what she ever thought would have been her life. Again, like so many. Many perished and never got a chance. That very thought was more than they could bare.
They quickly married so that they would be sent out into that unknown together.
The manifest for that journey documents two people arriving.
Zinaida's maiden name and another with Zinaida's married name.
Zinaida stepped on that ship a single 16 year old and stepped off as a married woman.
Ina was sent elsewhere, but not too far away in the lower regions of Western Australia. This was common at the time. Families being sent in different directions. After all, what is two years.
After fulfilling their 2 years of work in the most horrid of conditions and could only be classified as slave labour as it was abused by many employer, they could now go where they wanted to and start their new life together. By the way not all employers were so ruthless, but rorting of this system sure did take place. However, many of the new immigrants did not complain as there was a future to be had and a few despot employers were not going to get in the way of that.
Thus, after this period, they finally got to begin their family life properly and chose a small farmlet next to the Valley of the Giants. At first farm and family life was idyllic.
Their first born child, Lili, was most angelic, yet frail from her Mother's ravaged body from all the starvation she had endured through those previous war years.
Lili grew in spite of this with all the love and might that Zinaida could provide.
In under a year, Saule, a sweet and most beautiful sensitive soul came into this world.
Then again, just as quickly, within another year Zinaida found herself pregnant for a third time.
Here is where Zinaida's love story takes a very sad turn indeed.
She was completely unaware that a series of events was to take place that would plunge her life into a place she had never been before, even the war years paled against this and turned her life upside down completely from the life she was creating with Ansis. Instead, ending up knowing the worst heartache than ever before.
It was when Zinaida was 7 months pregnant that one of her two new babes in arms, Lili, succumbed to an Influenza Epidemic that swept the territory. Saule survived, yet Lili was too weak to fight the infection as she was never robust from the start due to Zinaida's years of poor nutritional health from those previous war years.
Zinaida's heart broke and with it nearly her spirit. If it had not been for her husband Ansis, Saule and awaiting the arrival of her newborn, well, the thought just gives me shivers. There are no words that can describe the heartache of losing your child at any time, let alone so very young. Zinaida had been through so much and now this. It was beyond anything she had endured before.
Zinaida and Ansis along with their surviving 9 month old baby daughter, Saule, laid to rest, Lili, their first born. Ina and many others were present at Zinaida's side. But this was nothing compared to anything she had gone through thus far. This loss stayed in her heart till the day she died. Lili was never far from her thoughts from then on.
Regardless of this, Velna, was born and her arrival was met with much love by all.
Velna may have been born under a veil of sadness, but her arrival brought much joy and love back into both Zinaida and Ansis's world just when they needed it most. Ansis got to hold all his girls and loved them dearly.
Ansis worked at that time for a local timber mill and one day set out as normal never to return.
Just eighteen months after Lili died, Ansis was killed by one of the huge trees in what was later termed an accident by the timber mill and left Zinaida all alone now with 2 babes to fend for in what was still a strange land on this farmlet by the Valley of the Giants. There was no way she could support her little family and maintain the land and all that involved. She had no other choice but to sell for less than the farmlet was worth with little left over if any and set out to make a new life for her now very uncertain future.
Ansis was laid to rest with his beautiful daughter Lili and remain there to this day, forever remembered and in our hearts.
There was little or no support for Widows at that time and her Mother by now was living in a seaside township at this time and headed to the only family she had in this strange new home of hers and made what 'little' of the farmlets proceeds go to work for her in this small seaside township.
Zinaida set up a boarding home of sorts for other single folk, which at the time were mainly men who had worked off their 2 year agreements with the Australian government just as she and Ansis had and were all now searching for their personal new beginnings. Zinaida created not only a Boarding House but a home for those who were also from her now lost homeland that she was forced to leave at such a young age. They all shared the same journey and found much comfort in that. This also provided her very young children a stable home and a means to make ends meet with other like minded and familiar people close by with the added bonus of security and protection. It was hard work, but it meant she could keep going and look after her brood.
I am sure there were many sad times mixed in with this next beginning. She had had so many beginnings by now. Her girls were what drove her and kept her going. They never wanted for lack of love or a watchful eye over them.
It was in these years that Zinaida met her next love.
In came Ludis and their love grew.
Till then all suitors were inspected and dismissed by the 2 growing girls who held guard over their Mother. Ina was close by for most of these years as the girls grew. The tight knit family was about to change yet again, but in a happy way.
Her 2 little guards approved of Ludis and he then before long took on the new mantle of husband and Father happily marrying Zinaida.
His first and her last.
There was one thing that the girls did not know at the time on that wedding day, and that was the fact that I arrived only months later on the heels of this loving union.
At first the 2 older siblings guarded over me like no other when I was but a babe and named Zanda. Fiercely they would watch over me.
It was some time after they married that Ina made tracks to the other side of this vast country. A long long way away from the only family she had. Ina was a free spirit in many ways, but staunchly difficult also. She held grudges for years that came to light that many never knew of until they were told. She loved her first son-in-law and let Ludis know it before leaving this tiny seaside township.
This was how it was when Ina took off.
Zinaida missed her Mother dearly, but by now she was busy with her growing family and husband.
As far as my relationship with my older siblings goes, it was in years to come that one would remain loving and supportive and yet the other would end up pushing me away.
Saule and I had a bond like no other, whereas Velna was distant and surly with me.
I remember trying to bond with Velna over the years to only be met with rejections throughout and I have had to come to terms with the fact that we were just like 'oil and water'.
Yet with Saule it was like we knew each others thoughts and feelings. Soul sisters.
So opposing was my relationship with both my older siblings that it did confuse me for a long long time. Such was my struggle. You cannot fix something if the other doesn't want it fixed, as that is the way they want and intend it to be. Just is. I had to accept that. Even though it took me a long time. I am glad I finally have found peace with at least that.
I used to wonder about many 'what if' situations through out the years. What if Velna had not resented me. What if Ansis had not been killed in that tragic accident that took him so swiftly away from my Mum, my Mutti. Many 'what if' scenarios have played out in this head of mine.
I cannot remember the exact time or shift in Velna towards her Mother, but I can remember when she entered her teen years as the time when her bitterness became more obvious and apparent and then just progressively grew from there.
Velna out of the three of us was a most sickly child. She had the worst of all childhood illnesses and bed ridden for months on end, which meant months of being isolated. We had to be quite so she could get well.
Zinaida loved all her girls, with Lili always ever present in her heart. She never spoke much of Lili, other than the 2 photos she had in her bedroom she shared with Ludis. One with Lili and Saule together out in the fields of that farmlet where they were born and the other with Arnolds holding both Saule and Velna smiling from ear to ear proud as punch. Ludis never minded as he understood the pain, heartache and loss. He loved all his girls. He had suffered his own personal family losses, but that is for another time to tell. He loved Zinaida and just simply understood.
I grew up not realising Velna's disdain for me at first for a very long time. It never occurred to me that I had taken her place. I just thought of us as one big happy family. We didn't have much, but we sure had loads of love and attention and outings to all sorts of place. Whether it was to a park, or to fish, or to the seaside or visiting relatives or dear dear friends. But, we always did it together as a family.
But Velna was never happy. And this only got worse the older she got.
I am not sure if the death of her sister while still in-utero was part of the cause for her dismal outlook. Or my unwelcomed arrival. Or the years living in a Boarding House as her home with at most times permanent boarders. Just not sure at all. But that chip on her shoulder just grew bigger and bigger the older she got and always directed squarely at first her Mother and then I realised me.
Now, me, Zanda, was blissfully unaware of Velna's discontented feelings towards me until my adulthood as I mentioned before. Throughout my childhood and teen years I suspected, but always pushed those thoughts aside as me being silly.
Even Velna's relationship with her full blooded sister was strained most of the time by jealousy about one thing or another.
Saule was carefree and all sunshine and blissfully happy. This would unnerve Velna to no end and would endlessly try to either out do her older sister, try to copy her or bring her down. Later it always ended up with the later two being the choice.
When we were all little we moved across to the other side of the country as Zinaida wanted to be close to her Mother and the second reason was in search of work. We all shared the one bedroom and I loved that. I remember it well. It was only when we moved for the last time to the other side of the city that I got my own room, the very smallest room and the 2 older sisters shared the larger one. Maybe this was cause for Velna's displeasure. I missed my sisters and hated being on my own. But this is what took place and I had nought to do with this decision.
Life continued till the 2 older girls got into their teens. I was still but a young child at this stage and always seemed to be left out due in part to the age gap we had. Mother made sure both the girls took me with them where ever they went. That was about family to her, but also the added benefit of being an unintentional chaperone, which she felt was in the best interest of her girls well being and safety. Knowing Zinaida's history, one could understand why.
Saule loved it that I would get to tag along. Velna hated it and resented her Mother as well me that I tagged along. The divide just got bigger unbeknownst to me.
Zinaida did her utmost best to provide for all her girls, along with Ludis, as best she could. Due to her efforts I have the most wonderful childhood memories filled to the brim with love, no matter what the world threw at us through those years.
My Mother may not any longer walk amongst us, but gee, thanks for the love and the great memories.
Time can be a great healer. But it can also create a great divide that may never be able to be repaired.
Family, blood or otherwise, are important and should be looked after and valued as precious. Not squandered or tossed aside as meaningless and worthless. Life is short, this we know, and all those who have been dear to us and added extra quality time to our journey, including all those minutes, should be counted and as many of those near and dear to us and all those minutes with them be enjoyed and not endured.
I have lost so many that I cannot begin to express the sadness I feel within me. I also feel blessed that I took the time with those now long gone as I have those sweet and wonderful memories.
Never too late to build a bridge or get over that grudge. Think about what you may be missing.
I am talking only from the positive side of this, as for me those who are still here are not of the violent nature, just stubborn and foolhardy.
I will never say never and still will hold out hope for this story to have healing, in whatever way it turns out, and keep that door ajar, ever so slightly, for that possibility of dialogue to open up, real and honest, once more.
I will leave Zinaida's journey here at this point in time, to continue next time with the said 'Letter to Lara' that takes us back to around this point in time.
End Chapter One - Ever wondered where those family stories come from! Well, in my case, it all started from a family chinese whisper.
CHARACTERS
Zinaida - Central character
Ina - Mother to Zinaida
Ansis - Zinaida's first husband
Ludis - Zinaida's second husband
Lili - Eldest daughter (First marriage)
Saule - Second daughter (First marriage)
Velna - Third daughter (First marriage)
Zanda - Fourth daughter (Second marriage)
No comments:
Post a Comment